"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." (Hebrews 4:16)

Friday, March 2, 2012

Who Am I?

In my first post I showed you a glimpse of who I am - a child of our Creator, broken spiritually and emotionally, but on the mend. I am a woman clinging now to the scriptures that I grew up reading and studying, but in the past six years I chose to set aside my relationship with my Savior to venture on my own. Did I wake up one day saying, "Okay, Lord, I don't need You anymore. I'll find You when I do need You again."? No! It was gradual. I stopped going to what was my church at the time to search for a new church that had a Single's Ministry. The problem was, I never started visiting other churches until about two years after I left; and then my visits were sporadic. By year three, Satan had already convinced me I didn't need a church family. I figured as long as I was reading my Bible and talking with God every day everything was hunky-dory. But it wasn't. Deep down inside I knew that it was Satan talking, giving me these thoughts. Oh how the Holy Spirit kept trying to get my attention through those years...and I kept brushing Him aside wanting to sleep in, not have to dress for church, dreading the visitation period of finding a new church family. You know how it is...I was finding any excuse to stay away from the one place I needed to be most.

Since I have returned to Him and started building my relationship with Jesus again(Praise God!), I ask myself, "Have I ever become the Bundle of Capital P's I grew up in church singing about?, or have I fallen so far away from Him that my ministry has been placed in jeopardy."

Oh how I want to know if I am a Promise to the Lord of All, if I am a Possibility to do many great works for Him in His name, and if I am a great, big, bundle of Potentiality through which "I can do all things through Him who give me strength" (Philipians 4:13). Who am I...really?

It seems like a coincidence, but I know better that's it's the Holy Spirit...that since losing my earthly dad, I have found my heavenly Dad once again and surprisingly to me with His arms spread wide ready to clutch me to His chest as I run back to Him emotionally and spiritually broken. Who am I that He would wait so long and without any hesitation take me back so easily? Who am I that He would want me back? I am broken spiritually and emotionally, how can I be of any use to Him?

Through my "grief journey", I am facing many emotions that stop me in my tracks with such force and when I least expect them. They ambush me! These "ambush emotions", as they are called, scared me when they first started happening. It was unlike me, crying uncontrollably and seemingly without reason. I have always been one to keep my emotions in check, and only express them to others when I felt "safe" to do so. But lately I'm being flanked on all sides by these ambush emotions. Unable to stop them from erupting for others to witness the attacks. I have felt as if I were going crazy...and I found myself shouting internally WHO AM I ? WHERE IS THE TERRI I KNOW ? And wouldn't you know, I was answered. The answer: this is normal for my grieving (and for many others in their grieving process)...the ambush emotions, the roller coaster of feelings. It is my new norm since losing my dad. I am not crazy! In the moments that I am ambushed, I am learning to walk through the difficulty and pain. Through the times of bombardment I am learning to lean on Christ and the comfort that He will give. That comfort may come in the form of the Holy Spirit embracing my soul while I am curled up in the fetal position, or the comforting words of a friend I have come to confide in, or maybe even a comforting hug from that friend. I am learning that my joy is coming back one day, but I must walk through the journey to get there. The Lord promises "I will turn their mourning into gladness, I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow"  (Jeremiah 31:13).

The question still arises...Who am I that the Lord would notice me after being gone - by choice - for so long?

Those three small words pose such an enormous question - who am I? I'm reminded of a song by Casting Crowns.  It says...
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the bright and morning star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wondering heart?
Who am I, that the eyes that see our sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again?
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me?

"I am Yours"

I am a sinner saved by Grace and reborn in His image. I am His...Chosen! I am a Promise. I am a Possibility. I am a great, big, bundle of Potentiality.

Have you come to that point in your life when you realized you were a sinner and you have asked forgiveness of those sins (Romans 3:2;, Romans 6:23); you recognized Jesus as the ONLY way to eternal life through His Holy and pure sacrifice on the cross, and then rising three days later to live with the Father in heaven? (John 14:6; Romans 10:9-10,13; 1 Corinthians 15:1-4; Ephesians 2:8-9)...
May you then know that you are His Chosen as well, and through your relationship with Christ may you come to know your Bundle of Capital P's.

I am His,  Terri


  1. The Casting Crowns' lyric reminds of Psalm 8--"When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers,the moon and the stars, which you have set in place what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him? Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor. You have given him dominion over the works of your hands; you have put all things under his feet."

    You are dearly loved from before the foundation of the earth, my friend. Rest securely. All's grace.

    1. Thank you, Christi, so much for sharing the scripture passage. It amazes me how much we are loved by God, the Creator of all. I am so unworthy of such love, but am blessed and thankful that He would call me His Chosen. I am secure in my salvation and look forward to the day I can glorify Jesus in heaven.

  2. Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope! Terri, this is beautiful. You are an inspiration on and off the internet. I am so happy to know you. --Gina